Wish

It’s been so long that I’ve written anything on my blog. My final examintion actually crept towards me slow and I felt that something is waiting for the right moment to pounce on me and maybe tear me into shreds. It has also been a long time since I write something personal about myself.

I wasn’t focus in this semester through out my studies reason is that I felt that I should let go a lot of hopes and dreams and just try to adapt to where I am and where I am suppose to be. I always felt that I’ve could just break free and get away it all but last month was the time that gave me reassurance for me to continue my sentence.

The other day there was a group meeting. I always felt that group meetings are futile means to get projects going on if the group members did not want to cooperate, or otherwise it could be the leader’s high expectation that the members could not keep up. I was in bad mood; so when everyone came for the meeting, I just said: “Sit down, and do what you are suppose to do last week. I’m leaving”. And I left.

While I was waiting for them to show up, I kept pondering on one thing, how long do I have to keep this this up? I spoke to one of my group mates, who happens to been the most concerted of all and said: “You know what, private institute and public universities are like Nike sandals and just plain sandals. Sure, everyone like Nike, but you can get something that is equal comfortable and less expensive, right? There’s nothing wrong with buying either shoe, is just that the problem lies at the people who are going to where them. Do they appreciate the things they have?”

Soon after I left, my mind was still rumbling with thunderstorms: “Are they any better than me? Two have scholarships to Australia next year; one have government scholarship and the other 50% tuition grant. So, are they better? If so, how could they not know how to solve a simple mechanics question?” I’ve got no financial assistance and everyday it’s killing me bit by bit by having to shove money out of my pocket, yet people who shows least effort in their studies get the better things.

I find no surprise that people choose to take their own lives because of these stress, but for sane me, I would not resort to spare my life just for them.

Then I came back to my hostel. Not much of a hostel I say but at least somewhere where I could escape from the problems I had in campus. There sat two guys, but there have something in common; both of them have depression. “These guys could benefit from scholarships,” I said to myself. Both of them are under scholarships but they gone through a lot to get it. One was a 23 year old, failed maths and have to sit for a crash course in order to secure a place in business course. He was sick back when he was in high school and occasionally he had to skip classes, and everything he had to go to hospital for checkups. That’s why he couldn’t cope up with his studies and failed almost all of his test subjects. And now he’s in the verge of losing his scholarship because of his mid term examinations. He sigh most of the time, reminded me how I was back I was in form five.

The other, Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English and literature, graduated in NUS. Now, that’s somebody I like to see more in my university. Well, sad thing is he too have a sad story to tell. He was diagnosed with cornea degeneration and most probably he would turn blind someday. Therefore, for the past four years of his course, he had to struggle to keep up with the amount of books he had to read, or more like examine. The maximum reading hours for him was one, not more, but due to the workload he had to strain all his energy to continue to strive on. In the end, he graduated with the degree but the depression got worse. He tried to do his honors again, but he had to take a few years off before he could return back to his studies.

It’s an unfair world, but until then, we all have to learn to adapt and just accept fate, and then he said :” There are a lot of things you have to learn to let go when you grow older,” in solemn tone he said, but I said: ” but what ever you have given up, you must remember to get back.”

Throughout these year, I’ve learned to let go a lot of things: ego, pride; but what I had emptied, I left a lot of space for better things to come into my life. Just wish that there were more to stuff into me. Until then, I felt like excess baggage.

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